Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
