In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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