he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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