Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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