saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
