K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
