I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
