I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
