So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
