I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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