I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
