so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
