Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
