I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
