and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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