so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
