Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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