I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
