getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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