I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
