Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
