there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize