I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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