my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
