Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize