paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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