nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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