hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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