Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
