So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
