All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
