Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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