I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
