I only kidnapped one of them. chill
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
