The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
