Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Dick very happy bro
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
