I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
