I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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