So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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