There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
