Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
