I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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