Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
