ya dads aren't the best wingmen
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
