We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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