Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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