things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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