I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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