if only i could text you this smell
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
