I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
