I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
