i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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