I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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