then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
