you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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