I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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