in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
