There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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