just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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