also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize